Thoughts On Having a New Baby (After Two Losses)
Pregnancy After Loss: Coping and Dealing
I think back to how wonderfully naive I was while pregnant with my two boys. I didn’t worry about much as I had no reason to. Pregnancy after any sort of loss changes you. I keep thinking I’ll feel better after certain milestones but I honestly don’t think I will feel any sort of relief until this baby is in my arms. That’s also how I felt in relation to sharing the news–I even waited a long time to share with loved ones. I kept thinking, “I’ll them after this appointment or after this date.”
I thought I would feel somewhat relieved after sharing the news on instagram last night. But instead, it made me terribly anxious. I already wake up in the middle of the night with pregnancy insomnia (and I’m not normally a light sleeper) and last night it was bad. I regretted sharing and started playing out all the worst case scenarios in my head. Which as you know, never ends well for your psyche. Don’t get it twisted, Of COURSE, I am excited to have another baby–it’s what I’ve wanted the past couple years!
But if I’m honest, I’m also terrified because I can’t believe it’s happening and have spent the majority of this pregnancy a little detached as it’s a way of coping with the loss(es) I’ve experienced.
Losing a baby shakes you to your core and uncovers so many feelings of doubt, inadequacy, and guilt. Even if that doesn’t make any sense to someone who hasn’t experienced it, those feelings have consumed me since I saw that positive pregnancy test in February.
My kids are very excited for a sibling but also had a hard time dealing with the loss last fall. (They don’t know about my earlier loss in 2018.) I had been putting off telling them until I felt comfortable (hint: that may never happen but my oldest figured it out as my stomach grew. So it forced me to tell them around 20 weeks.) They still talk about the baby sister they never met. And want to make sure this new sibling will be ok. It’s heartbreaking but I also encourage them to talk about their feelings openly rather than keep them in. They don’t fully understand why these things happen (I mean, neither do I). And I don’t want to be the kind of family that sweeps uncomfortable topics under the rug–even if it’s hard for me, too.
To throw a wrench into plans, this pregnancy is also high risk–ironically, it’s totally unrelated to what happened last the fall but it keeps me on further edge. It means lots of monitoring and ultrasounds–I basically have been going to the OBGYN every two weeks. And when you throw in a global pandemic, you’ve got a lot to process! (My high risk-ness is due to the fact that I am RH negative and some time during the last pregnancy I became allo-sensitized which means my body produces antibodies that could harm the baby.
The Rhogam shot that I’ve had in the past no longer works on me.
So far, so good and my antibody levels have been low and stable, but it could change at any time. I have lots of monitoring, which does give me some peace of mind. My husband has positive blood, my kids have positive blood, and this baby also has positive blood)
Did I just unload on you or what? But again, this isn’t your typical, “we’re having a baby!!!” post, even though I wish that was the case. That sense of innocence we once had is now gone. But from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all the wonderful well wishes last night; I’m completely overwhelmed by your kind words and I haven’t even started to go through my DMs. Sometimes I can’t believe the level of support you all give me and I’m so grateful for it. I want you to know that even the tough things I share on here are extremely cathartic for me. I know I’m not alone in what I’ve gone through and if you have gone or are going through something similar, just know that I stand with you on so many fronts.
Where there is loss, there is love
It’s something so many of us know all too well and as humans will ultimately experience some day. Thank you for following along on my journey and allowing me to share these sensitive topics with you; I’m sure it’s easier to hear about all the good times and cute clothes. b=But as you know that we’re all much more complex than that.
Lots of love to you all. x
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